this time part 2

I feel so sad. And so stupid.

As time went on, I gave up my lifestyle to adapt yours. Simply because that’s just how I am as a girlfriend.

As time went on, I got more and more dissatisfied and unhappy with my life.

I hate my job. I hate having to locum. I really hate always feeling tired at night and always missing out on so much because I was just too tired to last through the night. I hated that I had become so anti-social, partly because of you.

I hate that we only got to spend 1/28 of our lives together (as in quality time on Sundays from 1pm to 10pm a week, which is a pitiful half a day each week).

And so I turned all my hate towards you. Because I blamed you. When in fact being unhappy was no one’s fault but my own and I was being the dumb one.

And so we started to enjoy our time together less and less. And even when we were together, sleep was always in the way.

And that was why you sleeping early on that night meant so much to me. So much more than you or anyone else can understand.

It felt so important, to be able to finally rest properly together so that we could enjoy the next day without feeling drained as usual.

But somehow you didn’t see that.

You decided to leave me alone to go play cards with my friends next door.

And you came in just to change and ran back out without so much as a snuggle and a hug. And even they were shocked at that.

The next day you told me you felt obliged to go play because they had given us the room for ourselves. Seems like the room was just mine alone that night.

You told me that they had ‘forced’ you to play with them. They told me you were so happy and enjoyed yourself so much.

While you were joking about playing cards til you fell asleep in their room, I was crying alone in the room next door.

If we had been staying in a hotel, would you still have done the same thing? In my heart I think you would have.

I don’t know why it hurts so much.

I guess it was because I just never saw this coming. I never expected you to be this way.

And I never expected you to not have the guts to admit the truth instead of hiding behind lies.

And I never expected you to be happier with my friends than with me.

It hurts even worse because this trip had meant so much to me, to be able to spend time with both you and my friends. It’s not easy getting people together because everyone’s always so busy.

And it hurt so so much when I had to say goodbye to them and leave early because I didn’t want to see you anymore.

It’s stupid that I’m hurting both you and myself, but I can’t help feeling like this.

And it hurt the most when you said you hadn’t realized my intentions. Just like that.


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