Bye bye darlings…

So on a whim, I left my house at 9.00pm and headed to the nearest petrol station, stubborn and determined not to chicken out of my quest.

Full tank of petrol checked, I headed down towards Port Dickson, all on my own. Since I managed to come out alive, I must say that I am very proud of myself for making it all the way there and back in one night, AND without the use of my GPS too!

Not that I was confident I knew the way (I just hantam jalan only), but because I forgot to bring the GPS back from the office boo.

Anyhuu, the route there was obviously pretty straight forward, all I had to do was to keep my foot steady on the accelerator and whip out my SmartTAG every now and then. Oh, and reading signboards definitely helped a lot!

Finally got there, and I started looking out for a suitable place where I could release my babies.

My darlings. Had decided to release them back into the wild a couple of months ago, but until now I just never made it all the way to PD to do it.

Drove up and down, but all the beaches seemed over-populated. Stopped at Corus Paradise Resort to pee and take a look at the beach, but the beach was just devoid of bushes and places for them to hide. And besides, a group of annoying dudes kept whistling at me.

I tried so hard to find the place Alwyn had once brought us to catch prawns, because I remembered that it had been crawling with hermit crabs. But I just couldn’t spot it. And besides, I didn’t dare to wander off too far from the main road in case I got lost wtf.

Finally ended back at Residence Desa Lagoon Resort where I had stayed when I went there with Edm.

They have security at the entrance, but somehow when I drove in, no one gave two hoots. I guess a girl in a Kelisa isn’t exactly a threatening sight.

Parked my car and followed the fence around the hotel grounds towards the beach.

Sadly, just as I reached the gate leading out to the beach, a guard caught me.

He kept asking me for my room number and when I told him I wasn’t a guest, he got suspicious and asked how I had driven in. So I just pura-pura kesian and told him no one stopped me at the entrance. Told him I wanted to release my crabs and he gave me a puzzled look.

Apparently he was just about to lock the gate for the night, so I was lucky I got there before he did, otherwise I would have had to clamber over the fence.

The guard was waiting for me at the gate, so I didn’t have much time. Just ran towards a coconut tree and opened the container so my babies could climb out. Didn’t even have time to look around for a proper spot.

And now that I’ve done it, I keep worrying that they won’t survive there. Sigh. I really should have picked a better spot.

The first crabby I ever got was Chloe, on the 22nd of November 2009. Gosh, I can’t believe she’d been with me for over a year!

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And the worse thing is I forgot to bring Rascal’s body to bury on the beach. Oh well, I guess with the guard breathing down my neck I wouldn’t have had enough time anyways.

Please please don’t die babies!

I hope by the next time I go down to PD the beach would have been colonized by all of you and your grandchildren =)

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this time part 2

I feel so sad. And so stupid.

As time went on, I gave up my lifestyle to adapt yours. Simply because that’s just how I am as a girlfriend.

As time went on, I got more and more dissatisfied and unhappy with my life.

I hate my job. I hate having to locum. I really hate always feeling tired at night and always missing out on so much because I was just too tired to last through the night. I hated that I had become so anti-social, partly because of you.

I hate that we only got to spend 1/28 of our lives together (as in quality time on Sundays from 1pm to 10pm a week, which is a pitiful half a day each week).

And so I turned all my hate towards you. Because I blamed you. When in fact being unhappy was no one’s fault but my own and I was being the dumb one.

And so we started to enjoy our time together less and less. And even when we were together, sleep was always in the way.

And that was why you sleeping early on that night meant so much to me. So much more than you or anyone else can understand.

It felt so important, to be able to finally rest properly together so that we could enjoy the next day without feeling drained as usual.

But somehow you didn’t see that.

You decided to leave me alone to go play cards with my friends next door.

And you came in just to change and ran back out without so much as a snuggle and a hug. And even they were shocked at that.

The next day you told me you felt obliged to go play because they had given us the room for ourselves. Seems like the room was just mine alone that night.

You told me that they had ‘forced’ you to play with them. They told me you were so happy and enjoyed yourself so much.

While you were joking about playing cards til you fell asleep in their room, I was crying alone in the room next door.

If we had been staying in a hotel, would you still have done the same thing? In my heart I think you would have.

I don’t know why it hurts so much.

I guess it was because I just never saw this coming. I never expected you to be this way.

And I never expected you to not have the guts to admit the truth instead of hiding behind lies.

And I never expected you to be happier with my friends than with me.

It hurts even worse because this trip had meant so much to me, to be able to spend time with both you and my friends. It’s not easy getting people together because everyone’s always so busy.

And it hurt so so much when I had to say goodbye to them and leave early because I didn’t want to see you anymore.

It’s stupid that I’m hurting both you and myself, but I can’t help feeling like this.

And it hurt the most when you said you hadn’t realized my intentions. Just like that.

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